September 13, 2008 | Funny Bits

A total ass terrorizes quiet community; locals bummed

Valentine, Nebraska, boasting a population of 2,650, is becoming the butt of someone's joke. But locals aren't quite sure who's responsible.

A vandal has been hitting local businesses since 2007. His MO is some petroleum jelly and his cock and ass. Under the cover of night the man presses himself up against windows and leaves behind a telling imprint of his body parts.

"This is the weirdest case I've ever seen," said Police Chief Ben McBride. "It's not funny. We're worried about the next step."

The vandal has been dubbed the "Butt Bandit" by locals. "We were completely grossed out," said one resident. "One day I walked into the office and an employee said, 'Oh, my God, we've been struck!' she said. ... You could, like, see the whole package."

One rather brazen attack left nearly every window of a local hotel tagged.

Gather all the men from the town and make them drop trou. Firefighters, jocks and cops to the front of the line! We'll get to the bottom of this, even if we're here all night.