September 29, 2006 | Celeb Watch

Screech: no douching, please

What do Tommy Lee, Colin Farrell, Kid Rock and Dustin Diamond have in common? Not much, except their celebrity and the apparent urge to videotape their kinky sex. And it's Diamond -- aka the nerdy Screech of  TV's "Saved by the Bell" -- that wins the kinky-sex-tape award, as his allegedly features some very nasty three-way action.

How nasty? According to TMZ the former child star appears in the tape giving two women a "Dirty Sanchez." We didn't even know what that was and after a little research (handy thing, the Internet) were sorry we'd even asked: a "Dirty Sanchez" is when a man puts his finger or dink in his sex partner's butt hole, withdraws his poopy appendage and wipes it across  his beloved's upper lip. The result is not quite as wholesome as a milk mustache, but surely just as endearing.

The Screech tape -- tentatively titled "Saved by the Smell," according to the New York Daily News -- is reported to be in the hands of Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who is responsible for some of Hollywood's other amateur sex vids and is rumored to be shopping the video with Hustler and Vivid Video, among others.

While the video would be a publicity nightmare for most stars, for Diamond it's apparently good news. "Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings," Diamond's agent, Roger Paul, told the Daily News -- without having seen the tape.

Screech into scat. We couldn't make this up if we tried!

• Screech sex tape? [TMZ.com]
• Porn star's name may ring a "Bell" [New York Daily News]
• Dustin Diamond sex tape [Hollywood.com]