July 7, 2009 | Sex Life

Rules of engagement: Park sex

For the most part, park sex around the world is illegal (unless you are lucky enough to live near Amsterdam's Vondelpark). Do it and you could be charged with indecent exposure. You could go to jail. You could get yourself a not-so-welcome criminal record. That, friends, is a disclaimer. Public park sex comes with certain risks. Know what they are.

That said, there are many men who love nothing more than heading out in the middle of the day for a romp in the secluded woods down the road, or who slip out to walk the dog later in the evening when the only light is from the half formed moon. It's anonymous, freaky fun that attracts married men, famous dudes (who could forget George Michael?), politicians and regular joes. So if you're going to do it, you might as well do it right!

First, you need to figure out where to go. The most up to date website, with listings in almost every country, is squirt.org. You can get a free limited membership which lets you post questions, read advice from other cruisers, and get up to date information on police activity in certain areas. [more]

Whether or not your chosen location is most active at night, if you've never been before visit it during the day. This way you can familiarize yourself with the various paths and hidden nooks. You'll find natural rock or log benches perfect for giving a blowjob without hurting your knees. You can even figure out quick escape routes in case the po-po come looking to make an arrest or two. (Damn po-po!)

Wear comfortable and dark clothing. This way you blend into the scenery and won't call attention to yourself. You'll also allow quick access to your tootsie roll, or tootsie roll holder.

As you cross paths with a guy you like, make eye contact and don't be afraid to hold it. Now, if he returns the look, don't drop to your knees and suck his dick; he may just be being polite, or straight and not aware of what's going on. Walk on a little and turn. See if he looks back. Smile. And walk a little further, off the path and into a handy spot in the trees. Wait and see if he follows.

Don't talk unless he talks. It can ruin the scene for some guys. Want to suck? Stare at his crotch and lick your lips. Want him to suck you, then grab your package ever so slightly and see if he looks down.

Now, we are not lawyers and don't know how the first touch rule works. Apparently if he's a cop he can't touch your dick, nor expose his own. So wait for him to reach for your junk, or whip his out. That should be a pretty good sign he's legit.

Getting fucked? Carry condoms with you at all times but don't leave them lying around when you're done. That's rude. And littering (which is much more offensive than public sex if you ask us)!

As we said, all types of men visit parks for sex, and you won't be interested in all of them. Walk by without making eye contact if he ain't your type. Or keep walking without turning around. If they follow you anyway, just tell them you are looking for a friend and walk on.

Don't lead men on. Walking a little to encourage someone to follow you, then walking a little further, and again, with no intention of engaging the poor gent is just bad matters. He's a horny bastard; let him spend his time trolling where he might catch a nibble for his bait.

Another faux-pas: when two men start having sex, don't run over to check it out. First, this brings undue attention to them, making something that was supposed to be discrete way too obvious. That, boys, defeats the purpose. As well, they probably want to have sex in the trees, not surrounded by jeans and shorts. Watch from a distance, and if their body language says 'fuck off,' well, fuck off. 

And last but not least, don't forget the bug repellent! It won't do nothing for crabs (sorry!) but no one wants a mosquito bite on their taint.