October 18, 2007 | Sex Life

M4M: Improving your chances for online love

BG Exclusive interview!
Online dating is not easy. From the liars, to the game players, to the guys who won't have anything to do with you, it seems that many hook-ups are doomed before you can type "stats?" into your chat window.

Well, finally someone has come to the rescue. Meet Jack Mauro, author of "M4M: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding Love Online." Providing tips on everything from personal ads to how to let someone down without being mean, Jack has created an interesting, and rather funny, little book that will increase your chances for sex -- sorry, success!--  while cruising on the Net.

We sat down with Jack and fired a few questions his way...  

Who the heck is Jack Mauro?

OK. I’m a guy in his middle years, a writer, an Italian from New Jersey, a reader, a horn dawg. In other words, a guy. Just moved to Atlanta, too. God help me.
 
The big question is: why? What compelled you to write the book? Why is it important?

I won’t say “important” – I have no illusions that this is "War and Peace" - but what I was seeing happen online (and in relation to myself) got me angry. Too many profiles on gay dating sites were ridiculously long and far too poetic. Too many men were approaching the online dating scene in a way that was simultaneously ludicrous, dishonest, and unrealistic. I’m not quite sure that’s gotten better, either. I simply began making lists of what struck me as wrong; hence, "M4M."
 
How successful have you been in exploring the online world for your own relationships?

There’s been some success, as there’ve been massive failures too. I’ve gotten laid and I’ve gotten ignored. I’ve desperately sought men and then slammed the door in their faces when it became clear they were liars. The Net is the world in an awful lot of ways, and it requires much of the same sort of navigational skill.
 
Are people getting better or worse at this online thing?
 
I rather think, worse. As more and more sites are created and more and more men join up, the delusional aspect expands. That is to say, too many men see this thing as a kind of sexual Wal-Mart; they figure they can merely log on and then pick and choose. What they don’t see is how many other men are either presenting false images of themselves or – and this is rough – presenting hot and attractive images of themselves that they believe to be true but simply aren’t.

Cyber is supposed to be easy. Is it?

It ain’t. Why? Because we all have too much power at the keyboard, yet not nearly enough. We can click and make anyone disappear. They can obliterate us just that easily. Everyone is so empowered no one is actually taking into account that every single guy who makes contact is a living, breathing human being with a life, a history, and a story all his own.
 
What kind of guy will get the most out of the online experience? What are the traits you need to be successful fishing for a hook-up on the Internet?

It’s a cliché but nothing thus far surpasses honesty. The next runner-up is a sense of humor, and I mean a real one: acknowledging the silliness of much of the experience, while never taking themselves (and their hotness) too seriously. Also, please note: when guys are horned up for the moment, they will make the most outrageous promises. Which at the moment they themselves believe.
 
You look at instant messaging, chat and personals in the book and break them down into pros and cons, as well as discussing what works and what doesn't. Of the three, which do you think offers the best chance for making a real connection?

That would depend on what you’re after. Fast sex? IM. Love? The personals. Yet these things work out in funny ways. I know men who’ve forged real relationships out of what was meant to be a hook-up, as I know guys who have settled for a one-nighter with someone they thought would be the one. Again, it’s life – there will be surprises all the time.
 
Having written the book, I'm sure you're getting e-mail from people thanking you for it... or wishing it had come out sooner. What have you been hearing?

I’ll be candid: many men have told me they felt the book was unnecessary. They believed that we all know what to do online. Then again, some of these dudes have returned to let me know that they were naïve. It’s so damn easy to go online, look at pictures, IM someone, that we lose sight of what we’re after and what this other man may be after. On the plus side, I’ve had some great feedback from guys who truly found some of my insights to be awfully helpful.
 
People find it easier to be something you're not while online. They may be wittier, more bold, more sexually aggressive. How often does this translate into the real world?

Now, that’s a pip. I’m currently in the heart of a great city’s gay metropolis. If I were to be foolish I’d assume that these hot men I see down the block are all panting, eager and ready. After all, these men are online too, right? And we all know about men, right? Not the case. In the real world there’s a level of caution we still need to incorporate into online activity, plain and simple. The dude online may drop his pants in a heartbeat; the same dude on the street will be quite a bit more circumspect.
 
In certain cities, the chat rooms have been blamed for the decline of the gay bar culture.  Do you agree?

I don’t think the Net will ever seriously harm the bar culture. Too many men rely – and rightly so – on the chemistry factor that can only occur in face-to-face meeting. This is something I stress the hell out of in M4M, by the way. Absolutely everything may seem perfect in your online communications. Even the phone contact may have you dropping to your knees. But sexuality is a wild beast. The spark must be there. Otherwise, and excuse the graphic nature of this, you may as well just take care of business on your own.
 
Biggest mistake men make online? Why do they make it?

They expect miracles. They see a picture, they chat, and they think the fantasy dude is now right around the corner. They – and I mean me, too – just jump to about three hundred happy conclusions because we’re still dealing with a virtual reality.
 
Is lying ever acceptable? The guy who fudges his age by a few years to make it into the 19-30 category, even if he's 32 ... isn't that harmless?

Hmm. Well, I’m 49 and I often say I’m 47, so I’d best be careful here. A little fudging is part of real life, so there’s no reason to deny it to online interaction. But I tend to think that, given the bizarre nature of the Net, absolute honesty is the ticket. (This is based on the hook-up I made who told me he was a few pounds overweight and who couldn’t even get through the door). We’re still in the dark, online, in a zillion ways. So the real truth is the way to go, always.
 
You also write for OutPersonals in a column called Tales from the Net. What do you find so appealing about online life?

Tough one. I’m not sure. Except to say that, as I was never one to go into the bar scene much, the online gay world permitted me to interact, get turned on, maybe turn other guys on, and all from the safety of my home. It empowers, if you use it smartly. It eases pressure, too. It lets you in without the all the bother of the club scene.
 
Where else can we find your work?

My fiction – cough, cough – is all available on Amazon ("Enola's Wedding" being my proudest accomplishment). Additionally, I’ve just been contracted to supply advice to – and are you sitting? – Gay.com. Then of course there’s my little blog, at m4mthebook.com. Beyond that, dedicated fans can search under my name and see what’s up.
 
What are you working on now?

My floors. Oh, and the next book. But don’t ask about that just yet, if you please.

• Jack Mauro [homepage]
• M4M blog [blogspot.com]